We only hurt the ones we love, the ones we never meant to hurt at all...

I realized something not so nice about myself today. And I really struggled with whether or not to blog about it. It's really tough to expose the less desirable side of ourselves, because by doing so, we open ourselves up to criticism. And that? Is scary. It is for me, anyway.

Operating from a position of fear is a really stressful . I feel like I have operated from this position most of my life. I was always a tall, shy, geeky kid, and my mother dressed me funny. I might as well have drawn a target on my back. Kids can be incredibly cruel, especially for someone who is in the least bit different.

I was always tall for my age, and indeed topped out at 5'11" at my tallest (I think I've shrunk a quarter of an inch or so now. Getting old bites.). I was 5'7" in the 7th grade. I was 5'9" in the 9th grade. This is when boys were 5 foot nothing. My family growing up was extremely religious, which was in direct conflict with the style of dress in the early 70s, which is when I was in jr. high and high school. Long, straight, Marcia Brady-like hair and short mini-skirts were in, as were platform shoes. At a time of life when outward appearances were critical to survival, my mother made me wear knee-length skirts, I was too tall for platform shoes, and my hair was curly. Still is. I love it now, but back then? I was a complete and total dork. Plus, I was a band nerd. Oh, and I wore glasses.

*sigh*.

Basically my life was a living hell, especially in Jr. High. I had my circle of friends but we were all targets of the "cool kids" and jocks. Ugh. It was awful. Really.

Also, I had high-achieving, perfectionist parents who disciplined by criticism. They loved me, but I always grew up feeling like if I didn't measure up, they wouldn't love me anymore. So basically I grew up in fear of rejection from my peers and my parents. I became a co-dependent people pleaser to the nth degree. I've overcome some of that, but still the scars remain.

So, why do I tell you all of this? To help you understand, and to help myself understand, why I push people away from me. And to help myself understand this part of myself that I just discovered, and of which I am ashamed. My operating from a position of fear caused me to hurt someone I care about. I realized an ugly side of myself that I wasn't aware existed, that directly results from my low self-esteem and deep and abiding fear of ridicule and rejection. And when I took that incident that hurt my friend, and looked back at my life, I realized that this is a pattern in my life. If someone hurts me, I forgive but I don't forget. While that can be a good thing, to help avoid being repeatedly taken advantage of, it also prevents one from seeing genuine remorse and allow healing in a relationship.

Earlier this year, my friend had hurt me deeply with a betrayal, for which he has repeatedly apologized for and asked forgiveness. After a lot of anger and heated discussions, I finally was able to get past it (I thought) and we became friends. The other day, in another discussion, I threw that incident in his face again. This wasn't the first time I'd done so. Clearly I had not moved past this incident and continued to carry it with me, as if to remind myself that this person could not be trusted. While past behavior often is an indicator of future behavior, I should not have thrown that in my friend's face. Again. Understandably, he has withdrawn from the relationship and I may not get it back. While it was his fault the first time, it was clearly my dysfunction that caused this second rift.

In looking back in my life, I can see time after time where I have rejected people out of hand after one incident, fearful that they would hurt me again and since they could not be trusted, cut them out of my life, usually because of my inability to let go. I continually make people in my life pay over and over for major or minor indiscretions or perceived hurts.

I am taking a serious look at myself and the way I deal with hurts in my life. Other than totally withdrawing from people and becoming a hermit, there is no way to avoid these things within the context of a relationship with people, whether it's a friend, co-worker, spouse, lover, -- anyone. I have always been overly sensitive to perceived hurts, absorbing each unkind word deep into my soul, where they leave deep bruises. I have got to figure out a way to heal my hurts, to heal that hurt little girl that lives inside me and the ability to be secure enough in myself to develop a duck's back, and let those things roll off me, and learning how to tell the insincere from the sincere, and allowing people back into my life without thinking they have an agenda to hurt me again.

Well, I have some work to do. I have to learn how not to operate from a position of fear. That is a huge burden I have carried around all my life, making it difficult to relax and enjoy life. It's a wonder my adrenal glands aren't exhausted, because I live in that highly anxious state most of the time, waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Whew. That was hard to write and will be even harder to post once I hit the button. Please be kind.

Random Tuesday Thoughts

Okay it's been awhile since I've participated in Random Tuesday Thoughts, so I thought I'd do so this week. Of course, I can come up with GREAT random thoughts when I'm driving in my car. Then I think, "I need to blog these." And then they just sort of "poof" out of my brain. *sigh*. Oh well.

What was I saying?

Oh yes.

But before I get to that, just a quick update. My week away from Dr. Jekyll went fairly well, although I had some upset with a friend in Second Life, but life's a roller coaster and sometimes you just have to ride it out. But the week was peaceful and I LIKED it. Things have been good and bad since he returned. Currently, Dr. Jekyll is angry about something my kids did. And that's just never going to go away. In second marriages, unless you're really, really fortunate -- kids from previous marriages will always cause problems, even if they're grown and out of the house, because your spouse will never, ever think of them like their own. You just don't get between a mama and her cubs, and by golly, don't make me choose between you and my kids, because you will lose every. single. time. I don't care how "right" you are they're my kids, dammit. I won't desert them in the name of some "tough love." You're either with me, or against me, and right now it damn well seems like you're against me. Speaking rhetorically, of course.

Humph.

So there. I feel better now.

Random Tuesday Thoughts... Oh yes.

*cricket sound*

God... I was so brilliant in my head in the car.... *sigh*

Here we go . . .

Why are the things you find so cute when you first fall in love start becoming big, giant annoying things that make you want to rip your head off when they do it? Like hanging the towel cattywompus on the towel rack? Or leaving every single interior door ajar instead of making the tiny little extra push to close it all the way? Like the coat closet? I mean really? Is it that hard?

You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing . . .

*mumbling to myself while I search in my pockets for my hormone pill.* Prozac? I believe I will.

The fact that someone is *never* in the vicinity at a certain time of day and you decide to talk smack about them virtually ensures that they will be within earshot but out of line of sight at the time you do so.

Okay that's all I got, people. Thanks for playing along. Happy Tuesday, everyone!

Guts or Balls?

Since we are all interested in using the right words, thought this would interest you.

Guts or Balls?

There is a medical distinction. We've all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definitions are listed below:

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: "You're next, Chubby."

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.

Medically speaking there is no difference in the outcome.

Both result in death.

(Midlife Mama note: No, I didn't write this. But it is hysterically funny and I just had to repost it.)

39 Things

Well, Dr. Jekyll left yesterday at about 3pm. I am having the best time... OMG. I hate to say it but I am just enjoying the peace and quiet. Being with Dr. Jekyll is like having a parent again. Are all marriages like this, or am I overreacting?? *sigh* I dunno. Thank you, everyone, for your wonderful comments yesterday. I felt so much better after I read them. Some of you gave me food for thought, and I am ruminating on them and will post some more later.

I got a gift certificate to my favorite spa from my staff for Boss's Day last month. Sometimes it's GOOD to be King! er....Queen in my case. Heh.

Anyway, I have a massage scheduled for 5:15 this evening right after work. I can start my week relaxed and happy. :)

Well, I'll post more later. I stole this from Kathy over at My Space...My Blog...My Life and I had to repost it. These are SO true and so freakin' funny!! #24 happens to me a LOT! Shhhh don't tell my boss. hehe

39 things

1 Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

2 Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you're going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you're crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk.

3 I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

4 There is a great need for a sarcasm font.

5 I think everyone has a movie that they love so much; it actually becomes stressful to watch it with other people. I'll end up wasting 90 minutes sh iftily glancing around to confirm that everyone's laughing at the right parts, then making sure I laugh just a little bit harder (and a millisecond earlier) to prove that I'm still the only one who really, really gets it.

6 How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

7 I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

8 I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

9 The only time I look forward to a red light is when I’m trying to finish a text.

10 Was learning cursive really necessary?

11 LOL has gone from meaning, "laugh out loud" to "I have nothing else to say".

12 Whenever someone say’s "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart", all I hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart".

13 How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?

14 I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!

15 While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it...thanks Mario Kart.

16 MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

17 Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

18 I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the shower first and THEN turn on the water.

19 Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

20 I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

21 Bad decisions make good stories.

22 Whenever I'm Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don't mind if I do!

23 Why is it that during an icebreaker, when the whole room has to go around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I'm from; this shouldn't be a problem....

24 You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you've made up your mind that you just aren’t doing anything productive for the rest of the day.

25 Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don't want to have to restart my collection. I finally just got rid of all the old Videotapes.

26 There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.

27 I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.

28 While watching the Olympics, I find myself cheering equally for China and USA . No, I am not of Chinese descent, but I am fairly certain that when Chinese athletes don’t win, they are executed.

29 I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Darnit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?

30 I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

31 I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it's on shuffle, then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.

32 Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

33 It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood.

34 I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

35 Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn't know what do to with it.

36 Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I’d bet my ass everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time...

37 My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day "What would happen if you ran over a ninja?" How the hell do I respond to that?

38 I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone they drive behind obeys the speed limit.

39 I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

Happy Monday, everyone!

Is it bad that I'm excited that he'll be gone for a week?!?

Well Dr. Jekyll's company has a new line of equipment that is coming out, and he needs to train on it, so that when he goes into the field to fix them, he can actually fix them. Makes sense, right?

Normally, these trainings are held at the main shop here in town. This time, the training is being held in their Roseville office, which is 2 hours from here and too much for commuting daily to the five-day training.

Next week, Dr. Jekyll will be going to Roseville beginning Sunday afternoon and won't return until Friday afternoon.

Can I say Woot?? Can I get a yahoo??

Is it bad that I'm this excited about it???

*sigh*

I had a conversation about this issue with a guy friend of mine the other day. This dear friend has been married for 30-plus years to the same woman, and while he hasn't been completely faithful to her all those years, he has stayed with her and they have worked out their differences and built a life together.

Me, I can't seem to understand how this happens. Maybe it's me. Maybe my "chooser" is broken and I can't seem to choose a guy that fits me. My friend said this to me, and it really resonated with me. He said, "There's nothing wrong with you; you just haven't found the right guy where you'd be willing to make the compromises necessary to make the relationship work."

Really? I hope so.

Either there is something so fundamentally flawed and broken in me that for whatever reason doesn't allow me to fully participate in a relationship, or I have simply settled. Dr. Jekyll isn't a bad guy; in fact many women would consider him a "good catch." Other than his occasional mood swing (which maybe wouldn't bother someone with a different temperament than I have), he is steady, reliable, a good provider, hard worker, etc. He buys me nice things, although the nice things, gifts, compliments etc. all have an ulterior motive....i.e. he hopes that by doing/buying/saying these things, I'll have sex with him. He and I just have completely different temperaments and interests.

In fact, most of the nice things he does seems to have an ulterior motive of some kind, which bothers me to no end. I am at the point that I hate it when he does something nice for me or my kids because it usually means he expects something in return. And he won't let me know what that is that he expects; he thinks I should just "know," and when I don't give him what he expects (sex, effusive thank yous, whatever it is), then he gets mad at me. *sigh.* I HATE that. I feel like I'm living on the edge all the time; not knowing when he'll start sulking over some unfulfilled expectation that he decided I should have met, without saying anything to me. Sheesh he's worse than a woman in that unspoken expectation aspect.

Doesn't mean either of us is bad; just means we probably shouldn't have gotten married.

If we were just going together? I'd have broken up with him long ago. He is very critical and either I'm super hyper sensitive to it or he is overly critical about everything I do and say. Which is why I am not too interested in having sex with him anymore.

Which begs the question. Do I stay in it or leave? Is being alone better in the long run, or is staying with him just because I doubt I'll ever find someone at this point? Do I want to be with someone or do I really want to live alone and just find someone for the occasional hook up or booty call? I mean, really....if I'm being honest, that's all I'd be looking for is an occasional companion for dinner and a movie, and a little woot-woot. Then, go home please and leave me in peace.

Hey...I'm just sayin'....

*sigh*..... all the good ones are married. And by good ones I mean ones that have few enough hang ups that they got married in their 20s and stayed that way. Those are the good ones and they're married still. That's why they're good ones. Most people around my age or older are divorced for a reason, and unless they're widowed, have something wrong with them that didn't allow them to stay in a long term relationship for some dysfunctional reason. And yes I'm including myself in that generalization. Believe me, I am including myself when I cast that net.

So, anyway. I have a lot of thinking to do. And I am going to enjoy my week of living by myself -- no criticism, no expectations, no sports on TV.

I'll keep you posted.

A kinder, gentler trainer?

So, one of the many and varied reasons I refuse balk at exercise, is the whole gym thing. I am so not a gym person, and the thought of exercising among all those hip, young, toned bodies just intimidates the hell out of me. The thought of actually working out in a gym causes me serious flashbacks to high school locker room trauma. Yes, even women have locker room trauma; that isn't limited to men only. Although, clearly a penis measuring contest isn't something that is a problem. In a girls' high school locker room, it's more about breast size and personal competition than anything else. High school girls can be so cruel. Especially when you're geeky and your mother dresses you funny. But that's another post altogether.

I've been trying to come up with a way that I can include exercise in my routine and not be faced with the trauma of going to a gym and working with a trainer 20 years my junior. And adult women in locker rooms are no less cruel than high school girls. I am never going to undress in a locker room again. Never. I don't care what you say; I've not ever seen a fat person in a locker room let alone a gym. Gyms are filled with people who are already in shape. Once I lose weight and get in shape...THEN and only then will I work out in a gym.

I know. Ridiculous, yes? But I am the type of person who would clean up before the maid comes, so she doesn't think we're messy. I am also the person who won't go to a gym until I am in shape. Yeah I know. *sigh*.

So I heard about this place in town called 15 Minute Fitness. My doctor, who is 5 foot nothing and weighs about 100 lbs. soaking wet, has despaired of ever getting me to exercise. (And don't recommend walking; there are so many reasons not to walk -- too hot, too cold, it's raining, it's windy, it's dark...nope that won't work for me.) Plus I have plantar faciitis (sp?) and it flares up from time to time, so even walking on a treadmill won't work.

Anyway... My doctor has said that 15 Minute Fitness has worked for some of her other patients. It's apparently an intensive, customized workout that people do 3 times a week in the smallish workout room that doesn't seem "gym-like." It's designed so that busy people can get in a workout a few days a week without a huge time committment. Sounds ideal, right?

Well, remember I have a huge phobia of gyms, trainers, being pushed, prodded or intimidated or shamed into working out. This seems to be the MO of so many trainers....they want to shame you into working harder, blah blah. yadda yadda.

Have I mentioned I dislike trainers?

Okay. Just checking.

So. I finally called 15 Minute Fitness yesterday. I spoke with Mike, the owner, who was one of those Billy Mays type of people. Yuck.

He said he is in the middle of something and can he call me back when he has enough time to devote his full attention to me? I said sure and he agrees to call me back after lunch.

Fast forward to after lunch, it's close to the end of the day, and Mike calls me back. He explains that he is the owner of 15 Minute Fitness and that he wanted to address my questions from earlier -- namely, finding out more about his program, and how much it costs.

Well, first thing he says is, "I don't like to quote prices on the phone because I design each person's program to their needs and it varies from person to person."

What I heard: "If you're fatter than a whale and seriously out of shape, it's gonna cost you a whole crapload of money to whip your lazy, fat ass into shape."

I immediately started to feel myself clench. I began to get defensive and I felt the tears welling up behind my eyes. Yes I know, I'm pathetic.

He said that he does a 40 minute evaluation for free and then will tell you how much a program will cost. (See above for what I heard once again...."the fatter and more out of shape you are, the more it will cost.").

During that 40 minute evaluation he takes your blood pressure, takes a bunch of measurements, and evaluates your fitness level.

Oh, hell no.

Do you think I'd honestly subject myself to that kind of abuse? So they can put my weight, measurements, and lack of fitness on a paper for all to see? So they can laugh hysterically after I leave and say "OMG can you BELIEVE that woman?!? Good god! Step away from the doughnuts, Lady!" *insert hysterical laughter here.*

Oh come on, you know they do. *sigh*

Then he goes, "I only work with those who are serious about working out; with those who really want to work on their health and fitness. If you're not serious then we'll end our conversation here and you can call me when you are. If you are serious about it, then why don't we set up a time for you to come down, do your evaluation and give you a tour."

Why the hell do they do this???

This initimidated the hell out of me. WTF?!? No effing way I was going to show my fat ass around that place. No sir. I don't need that. I want someone to talk nice to me, to be encouraging. I don't need an effing drill sergeant.

You may disagree. You may say, "Midlife Mama, that's exactly what you need to get your fat ass off that couch and exercising!"

Um...no.

This does not motivate me.

This pisses me off and gets my back up. Makes my stubborn side come out.

Why do trainers feel the need to behave like this? This guy told me he was in his mid-40s and has been a trainer since he was 20.

Read: This guy has never had a weight problem in his entire life. His answer to "how do I lose weight" would be "stop eating so much."

Yeah. Because it's just that easy. That's why there's a billion dollar weight loss industry.

*sigh*.

I find this kind of behavior de-motivating and disheartening.

I want someone to be encouraging. Not mean. Is that so wrong?!?

Mike...if you're listening.... KNOCK IT OFF!! You're scaring away the very people that need you most.

They get you in the end . . .

I've been absolutely slammed at work, so no time for a long post. I usually post either from work or in the evenings, but I have been so busy at work I haven't been able to stop to breathe, let alone blog. And evenings ...well you know, I'm seriously addicted to SL. SO.... anyway. Plus I've had a really bad cold. Ugh.

I had my colonoscopy...and it was not bad at all. It was no big deal. They give you some medicine and away you go into la-la land. I wasn't completely out but I don't remember much. No biggie. I freaked out over nothing, people. NOTHING.

The prep, now...that's another story. The prep was horrible. Worse than horrible. Nasty, disgusting stuff, that. I just brought my book into the bathroom and just sat in there until things...uh...slowed down or stopped. *shudder*. I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy. The worst part was the whole day I couldn't eat anything other than clear liquids. Then I spent most of the afternoon on Sunday, starting at 3pm, drinking this nasty stuff. I finally staggered out of the bathroom somewhere around 8pm....empty, drained, and extremely nauseated. I felt terrible the rest of the evening.

Next morning, I woke up with a raging headache. I was afraid to take anything, because I didn't want to get there and have them tell me that they couldn't do the procedure because I took something. Turned out I could have taken Tylenol, or even one of my coedine pills. I didn't even take the anti-anxiety med my primary care doctor prescribed. I didn't want to take one single chance they would turn me away and I'd have to do that prep again. Gah. That was just horrible. I felt like I had the flu. Nasty nasty. Plus I had this cold, but fortunately that didn't stop me from having the procedure.

It's over, it's done and I don't have to do it again for 10 years. Hopefully by then they will have come up with something simple to take to clean out things in preparation. That stuff is just freakin' nasty.

The results showed that I have no cancer, no polyps, but I did have some diverticulum, which can turn into diverticulitis someday if I'm not careful. But I will follow a high fiber diet, which hopefully will avoid that.

So I am sticking my tongue out at my primary care physician and telling her that I KNEW my anemia wasn't related to anything in my colon. So there.

Yeah I know. At least I can be mature about it. Heh.