We only hurt the ones we love, the ones we never meant to hurt at all...

I realized something not so nice about myself today. And I really struggled with whether or not to blog about it. It's really tough to expose the less desirable side of ourselves, because by doing so, we open ourselves up to criticism. And that? Is scary. It is for me, anyway.

Operating from a position of fear is a really stressful . I feel like I have operated from this position most of my life. I was always a tall, shy, geeky kid, and my mother dressed me funny. I might as well have drawn a target on my back. Kids can be incredibly cruel, especially for someone who is in the least bit different.

I was always tall for my age, and indeed topped out at 5'11" at my tallest (I think I've shrunk a quarter of an inch or so now. Getting old bites.). I was 5'7" in the 7th grade. I was 5'9" in the 9th grade. This is when boys were 5 foot nothing. My family growing up was extremely religious, which was in direct conflict with the style of dress in the early 70s, which is when I was in jr. high and high school. Long, straight, Marcia Brady-like hair and short mini-skirts were in, as were platform shoes. At a time of life when outward appearances were critical to survival, my mother made me wear knee-length skirts, I was too tall for platform shoes, and my hair was curly. Still is. I love it now, but back then? I was a complete and total dork. Plus, I was a band nerd. Oh, and I wore glasses.

*sigh*.

Basically my life was a living hell, especially in Jr. High. I had my circle of friends but we were all targets of the "cool kids" and jocks. Ugh. It was awful. Really.

Also, I had high-achieving, perfectionist parents who disciplined by criticism. They loved me, but I always grew up feeling like if I didn't measure up, they wouldn't love me anymore. So basically I grew up in fear of rejection from my peers and my parents. I became a co-dependent people pleaser to the nth degree. I've overcome some of that, but still the scars remain.

So, why do I tell you all of this? To help you understand, and to help myself understand, why I push people away from me. And to help myself understand this part of myself that I just discovered, and of which I am ashamed. My operating from a position of fear caused me to hurt someone I care about. I realized an ugly side of myself that I wasn't aware existed, that directly results from my low self-esteem and deep and abiding fear of ridicule and rejection. And when I took that incident that hurt my friend, and looked back at my life, I realized that this is a pattern in my life. If someone hurts me, I forgive but I don't forget. While that can be a good thing, to help avoid being repeatedly taken advantage of, it also prevents one from seeing genuine remorse and allow healing in a relationship.

Earlier this year, my friend had hurt me deeply with a betrayal, for which he has repeatedly apologized for and asked forgiveness. After a lot of anger and heated discussions, I finally was able to get past it (I thought) and we became friends. The other day, in another discussion, I threw that incident in his face again. This wasn't the first time I'd done so. Clearly I had not moved past this incident and continued to carry it with me, as if to remind myself that this person could not be trusted. While past behavior often is an indicator of future behavior, I should not have thrown that in my friend's face. Again. Understandably, he has withdrawn from the relationship and I may not get it back. While it was his fault the first time, it was clearly my dysfunction that caused this second rift.

In looking back in my life, I can see time after time where I have rejected people out of hand after one incident, fearful that they would hurt me again and since they could not be trusted, cut them out of my life, usually because of my inability to let go. I continually make people in my life pay over and over for major or minor indiscretions or perceived hurts.

I am taking a serious look at myself and the way I deal with hurts in my life. Other than totally withdrawing from people and becoming a hermit, there is no way to avoid these things within the context of a relationship with people, whether it's a friend, co-worker, spouse, lover, -- anyone. I have always been overly sensitive to perceived hurts, absorbing each unkind word deep into my soul, where they leave deep bruises. I have got to figure out a way to heal my hurts, to heal that hurt little girl that lives inside me and the ability to be secure enough in myself to develop a duck's back, and let those things roll off me, and learning how to tell the insincere from the sincere, and allowing people back into my life without thinking they have an agenda to hurt me again.

Well, I have some work to do. I have to learn how not to operate from a position of fear. That is a huge burden I have carried around all my life, making it difficult to relax and enjoy life. It's a wonder my adrenal glands aren't exhausted, because I live in that highly anxious state most of the time, waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Whew. That was hard to write and will be even harder to post once I hit the button. Please be kind.